Showstoppers

Draw the curtains!
Turn on the limelight!
Cue dancing showgirls coming down a massive staircase clad in maribou feathers and swirling batons while trying not to decapitate the male lead with their waving legs! 
Cue elephants balancing on brightly coloured balls with monkeys juggling torches on their trunks! 
Cue clowns on a mini-bike that freak the children out with their sweat-smeared make-up and general trauma-inducing demeanor! 
Why all that jazz, you may wonder?
It's my first post of the year!

To celebrate, I'm giving you a double post today: one for the lucky bastards that get to go on a cruise in this grim weather, and one for the poor sods like me that get to not go on a cruise and remain in the cold.

I tried making one for the ones that go skiing as well, but I'm not really that educated in ski-wear, just put on a Moncler vest and some not-heinous ski pants and glide down that hill time and time again if you wonder how the drill goes.

1. Figuring out what to wear when someone - oh, woe - invites you to go on a cruise. 
(No, I'm not bitter.)
So here's the deal: some family member or friend invites to go cruising on H.M.S. Chickmagnet, you look down at your wooly jumper and think: "****".
No need for desperation, even in these cold times (unless you live in a perma-hot country, obviously) you can get summery outfits: that's what Cruise/Resort and Pre-spring/summer collections are for! 
So start packing these babies in the old Vuitton, Goyard or Rimowa and you'll be the best-looking man on deck. Or the best-looking man overboard if the wardrobe envy reaches a boiling point.

Who said shorts can't be chic? Someone who hasn't seen this Louis Vuitton get-up, I'd say.

Or these Ralph Lauren shorts ($85)?

 
And if you get invited to a fancy luncheon you can put on this snazzy yet temperature-appropriate Gucci suit.

And to top it all off: these limited edition Ray-Ban Wayfarers with an 18 carat white gold inlay. Only 7000 specimens will be made.

Don't forget to apply sunscreen because skin cancer ain't chic, y'all!

2. Figuring out what to wear when you've been forsaken on the frigid, windswept mainland.

(Nope, still not bitter.)

When your winter days are a series of shivers and runny noses you'd best tuck yourselves in with some cozy clothes, because pneumonia also ain't chic, y'all! For instance, this Viktor & Rolf sweater (€ 221) keeps you perfectly warm and clears up any potential gender-confusion at the same time!

Inject a subtle dash of colour in your winter wardrobe with these teal TOPMAN trousers ($70).

When you're mucking about in snow and ice, you won't want to be wearing your calfskin leather Lanvins but Wellies might be a stretch too far. So what about these inexpensive, yet fashionable H&M sneakers (€39,95)?

And top it all off: this stunning checkered Dries Van Noten jacket (€308)!

And if all of this sartorial excellence doesn't make up for sun-deprivation, you can always just get wasted on cough syrup! Happy 2010!
[Style For Guys does not advocate medicine abuse in any kind of way, maybe just in the funny kind of way. Because, come on, people high on cough meds are totally funny.]


(sources: www.hm.com, www.gucci.com, www.polo.com, www.antonioli.eu, www.topman.com, www.louisaviaroma.com, www.vogue.fr, www.diorhomme.com)