HOW TO BE SEKSI WITHOUT REALLY TRYING

What makes a man sexy? Is it tufts of chest hair undulating softly in the mid-noon breeze? Is it taut tan skin over rippling muscles, an ivory smile and dimples reminiscent of sunshine and baby laughter? 

NO, STUPID, IT'S CLOTHES! What did you expect?
Let's look at some items I, the ultimate Seksi-Meister (coughing so hard), deem to be alluring. Wear this and  the old pocket monster will definitely land some action! I'm nudging you repetitively on the elbow and winking right now, can you tell? Right-o, on with the show!

A SEKSI VEST

Holy Ahmadinejad, this ASOS vest is seksi! The innocent floral print paired with the hint of sideboob plays into that whole Madonna-Whore dichotomy that so many people find attractive. Stop clawing at your computer screen! Mental sidenote: must work out more to pull off vest. Or work out at all, to begin with.

A SEKSI VARSITY JACKET

This Adidas Originals jacket says: "Come hither, I'm the steamy jock with a dangerous streak and I'll hit a home-run every time. I'll also flunk out of Algebra so the coach won't let me play at the big game but the talent scout from that important team is coming to the game so I need to get my GPA up otherwise I won't get a scholarship and I can only do that after a montage of me studying all night long for finals and suddenly realising that dorks can be cool as well and all hard work pays off in the end".

A SEKSI PAIR OF JEANS

These Acne jeans have a zipper, because nobody likes fiddling with buttons! Roll up the cuffs for extra bad-assness, please.

SEKSI DOC MARTENS

For stomping all over the emotions of your next conquest. 

LOL JK, be nice to people!

SEKSI SHADES

For tipping down and looking over the top, with one brow aloft and a cheeky smirk painted on your face. As one does. Look at this amazing pair of army green shades by Dries Van Noten and Linda Farrow!

Now you're all set. Go forth, and be sexy!